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Sound familiar?

—Can I have another piece of candy?
—No, you’ve had four pieces, not counting the extra I saw you slip in your pocket. That’s plenty for now. Besides, dinner’s in an hour.
—Well can you ask Mom if I can have another?

Children have probably been pitting one parent against the other since the first Hominid family groups roamed the prehistoric African plains. And who can blame them, since they’ve figured out that asking parental unit #2 will often yield more favorable results. However, for the step parent who’s attempting to establish effective parental governance, a child’s constant second guessing, or insisting on the final word from the natural parent can be particularly biting; the child may just be searching for the better deal, yet it’s hard for the step parent not to feel ineffective, even inferior in the process.

This is the fine line new step parents must traverse; where professional parenting advice, not to mention common sense suggest that it is important to follow the lead of the natural parent when rules or discipline come into play—particularly when establishing a new step or blended household. Yet defer too much, and you run the risk of appearing an ineffective decision maker to the kids. When I first became a step parent 10 years ago, I was convinced that the children could sense this weakness, sort of like a dog senses fear. Nonsense, of course but that speaks to how vulnerable our own feelings can be when first dipping our feet into these uncertain waters.

—9:30 time for bed.
—Can I stay up until 10?
—Sorry, you know this is your bedtime. Besides, you have a game tomorrow and you should get a good night’s sleep.
—Well can you ask Mom if I can stay up until 10?

The most important lesson I’ve learned throughout this process, is the importance of consistency; that is, being on the same page as your spouse. The pros aren’t making this stuff up—it’s important. Because if you work out your strategy ahead of time, for example agreeing on a consistent bedtime rule, then you can respond to the ‘Can I Ask Mom’ dilemma with one of the following:

1. ”I just talked it over with Mom, and this is your bedtime. Tonight is no different than any other…” (This allows you to be assertive while still letting Mom have the last word.)

2. ”Why would my asking Mom make a difference, when she just asked me to help her out by getting you to bed right now?” (Use this for the child who needs a logical reason for every rule you make, like our Ben, the future lawyer…)

3. ”I don’t care what Mom says, GET TO BED NOW!” (Okay, I’ve had plenty of nights like this, too – perhaps this should be the plan of last resort.)

The hardest thing to do is to put your personal feelings aside, and put yourself in the shoes of the child. They may be just as confused and apprehensive as you are. If you’re like me, you want your home to be a perfect, open and welcoming environment to your stepchildren, one where any barriers of blood relations are non-existent; you would do for them as any parent would do for their own child, and by the same token you want to be regarded with the same esteem and respect as any parent would.

But it’s not going to be perfect, not even close—so get ready, and don’t take it personally.