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“Wow, this guy is really old school,” I whisper to Elizabeth. We’re in the auditorium of our local junior high school on a fall weeknight attending a lecture by renowned child psychologist and author Dr. John Rosemond. It is 2003; Josh and Ben are still young, and for me step parenting is still very much a sometimes exhilarating, sometimes terrifying thrill ride on any given day. For those of you who have read Dr. Rosemond’s syndicated columns, or any of his excellent parenting guides, you know him as the tough talking, family values traditionalist; just the thing a struggling post Baby Boomer parent like me needed to release his own inner “Old School Guy”. (Friends and readers of Wheels may know “Old School Guy” from chapter 11 of They Call Me Wheels, or from this excerpt—my recurring alter ego that represents the pivotal moment in my parenting journey where I realized I had indeed become my own parents.)

As excited as we are, we enter somewhat gingerly, hoping that we won’t see anyone we know; for as silly as it sounds, attending a lecture by the author of such books as Parent Power! and Family of Value feels eerily like a self-admission that we’ve failed as parents, and are in need professional help; that things perhaps things aren’t going so smoothly behind the scenes at our household. Luckily we don’t see anybody who knows us well, just a few acquaintances – no parents from Josh or Ben’s immediate universe of friends.

Of course we haven’t thrown in the towel, not by a long shot, and in reality we really haven’t failed at anything. But we’re certainly not above entertaining any and all ideas on parenting at this stage in the game, to help quell what feels more and more like a rising tide of our inability to control the children’s behavior (I for one, thought that things got steadily better after the “terrible two’s”, not worse, but that’s a naïve newbee step parent for you.)

As the lecture begins, Rosemond, a tall, well dressed man in his late forties or early fifties with gray hair and an energetic, engaging manner works quickly and adeptly at forging a common ground amongst the throng of 40 or 50 men and women who pepper the auditorium’s mid seating section, and soon a common bond develops with even the most fearful attendees as we realize that we’re all in the same boat on some level: our kids probably don’t have grave behavioral issues, but most of us are wondering what’s going on with them these days - why they seem so much more disrespectful than we ever dared to be as children, why they talk back to us in ways we would never dream of talking to our own parents, sometimes even raising a hand to us in the heat of confrontation. As far as Elizabeth and I are concerned, we would just like it if they would stop beating the crap out of each other, would come to the dinner table when we ask (once or twice would be nice, not the usual routine of having to repeat ourselves 10 or12 times, then ultimately having to threaten to take away desert for them to actually appear at the table) and to shut off that damn Gameboy within a minute or two of when we ask. Fear not, noble parents, for there’s good news afoot, we are assured (here there is almost a palpable sigh of relief from the audience), you are definitely not alone, and no, it is not too late to do something about it; far from it in fact!

I like many around me suddenly feel a bit better about our situation at home as Rosemond confirms through a series of examples and anecdotes that it’s not just us; all across the country parents are fed up, exhausted and asking themselves why raising kids isn’t as easy as it was in the good old days.

Rosemond explains that this is largely due to a gradual shift in the 1960’s and early 1970’s from “traditional” child rearing, to “psychology-based” principles that focus solely on the child’s feelings, elevating them to an almost sacred or holy status, aiming to preserve above all else, their self esteem. Parents began to focus their attention and energies almost entirely on the children rather than the family as a whole and this focus would persist unnecessarily, long after the infancy and toddler years; all for fear that by not constantly putting our children’s needs above our own, that by somehow assuming the traditional matriarchal and patriarchal roles of the Eisenhower era, our children would become withdrawn, unmotivated, under-confident, underachieving and would have – heaven forbid – low self esteem!

But Rosemond contends that fair and just disciplining at the appropriate age, “just like Grandma did” will not diminish the child’s self-esteem, but merely teach them their place within the family structure, giving the parents the correct leadership or governing role that will allow them to provide the tools that children will later need to govern themselves. Old School Guy is loving this – it turns it’s not just about the kids after all…

Traditional child-rearing was based on the premise that humans are instinctively “bad”; not really bad bad, but by design, we all possess built-in, self-serving humanistic traits that need to be appropriately curtailed as toddlers. This of course was easily done through the no nonsense child-raising of Grandma’s epoch, where a child was relegated through discipline to their proper “place” through more stern disciplinary measures.

As the lecture continues I find myself gaining for the first time in a long time a sense of empowerment; at last somebody understands. Apparently I’m not the only one; as I look around I see dozens of heads nodding in agreement as Rosemond discusses techniques for cutting the apron strings at the right time, and how the husband-wife relationship, which becomes secondary during the infant years, will once again come back into the forefront once the appropriate parent-child boundaries have been placed and reinforced. We also collectively gasp in amazement as Rosemond explains that a 10 year study on self-esteem concluded that the highest self-esteem scores were obtained from two distinct groups: a) criminals serving time in maximum security prisons and from, b) toddlers just like our very own. This to me is one of the most profound and startling revelations that has ever been imparted on me since becoming a step parent; even bigger than, say, discovering that the guys from Devo are now doing the music for the Rugrats on Nickelodeon.

Rosemond continues that pre-disciplined toddlers and pathological criminals in maximum security prisons share the same intrinsic instinct: “I take what I want, and nobody deserves to stand in my way…”

“Honey,” I whisper.

“What? What’s the matter with you?” Elizabeth whispers back as the lecture continues. She’s noticed that I’ve turned pale after hearing the last bit about criminals.

“Ben – I mean, you’ve heard him right?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” She’s a little peeved since I’m causing her to miss out on the lecture.

“He’s said those exact words: ‘I take what I want, and nobody deserves to stand in my way’”

“Huh? You’re crazy.”

“No, I’m pretty sure of it. Not just once, but like, a few times, those exact words – verbatim.” I’m feeling a little light-headed, as I can picture Ben’s rosy cheeks and freckles, and the surly upward curl of his lip as he utters the words, brandishing a silver garden shovel in throwing position, ready to let it loose upon whoever or whatever stands in his way. He’s also wearing green knee high rubber boots that have two little yellow eyes on the toes, giving him the effect of having a bull frog on each foot – I’m not sure if those play a significant role in this particular recollection, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that the whole image is terrifying, as the similarities between a homicidal maniac and Ben began to be wash upon me like a bucket of Gatorade on Bill Parcels. Does this mean that visits to Ben in Sing Sing are in our future, or can we do something now to help? Can you help us save our child, Dr. Rosemond? Luckily I’m torn out of my obsessing by Elizabeth’s stern “Shhhhh!”

Dr. Rosemond, spends the remaining hour assuring us that we as parents must stop blaming ourselves when our children don’t behave properly, that we are not the “cause” of the “effect” of our children’s misbehavior - even though we’ve been punishing ourselves by endlessly doting on them and running ourselves ragged on their behalf - but that it’s not too late to put in place these solid historic child raising methods that have worked for thousands of years; that and also letting us know that if we own a copy of Parent Power, we need to stop at the table in the rear of the auditorium to buy the revised, updated version, Parent Power II, since it is the culmination of the now obsolete Parent Power, plus several other older books, containing three times more information.

Then, for his parting motivational push, Rosemond tells all of us eager parental units that when we arrive at home we are to “open the door, turn on the lights and repeat after me: ‘Kids…..it’s OVER!!!’” And with a flourish of his hand, Dr. Rosemond dispatches us to our awaiting task, much the same way a mother (a no-nonsense, traditional disciplining mother that is, not one of us modern, self-esteem coddling, criminal behavior-enabling ones) would wave her children off to their chores, homework or playtime, while she continues on with her anointed, motherly work.

Overall, we’re feeling very good about what we’ve heard, and I have a renewed sense of energy for when the kids return from Elizabeth’s ex husband’s tomorrow night. In the long run, however, I’m not sure if Rosemond’s gloves-off, no-nonsense approach can possibly return us to the good old days of parenting in our household for a whole host of reasons. For one thing we’re guilty of some of the very infractions he lectures about: we’ve unabashedly built our world around the kids, and therefore they are confident, entitled and apparently just bursting at the seams with self esteem – I’m not sure how or where to begin to undo this, or even if I necessarily want to. We are pervasive users of the good old “timeout” discipline which Rosemond vehemently abhors (“A child bites his mother, and we send him, of all places, to sit in peace by himself?” he asks us, exasperated) Furthermore, we have them 5 days out of seven, but for the other two they are with Rob who has a completely different style of parenting - looser in many ways than ours, stricter in others – yet better or worse, it’s different, and without a unilateral approach to many of these techniques, its doubtful if they would endure and be successful. Time will tell if this method would work in a household such as ours, if we even have the will or stamina to mount such a difficult effort and see it through to fruition.

Old School Guy, however, is enamored of his new found hero and can’t wait to try out this new tough love – after all, Dr. Rosemond had him at “Good evening folks…”